Hookup Culture Didn’t Benefit Women… It Groomed Us
I think the most toxic part of hookup culture was how it weaponized our desire to be liked just to get us to participate.
Society brainwashed us to believe that the only way to be “high value” was to be low-maintenance… by becoming the “Cool Girl.”
She loves sex, all things kink, and she’s always down for whatever.
She doesn’t overthink or ask questions, and she absolutely doesn’t need commitment from a man.
She just goes with the flow, keeps things light, and never makes him feel trapped or pressured.
This archetype was everywhere and felt super aspirational.
She was the glamorous, successful woman on our screens, sipping cocktails and treating the city like an all-you-can-eat buffet of handsome, wealthy men.
She was the “free spirit” we saw dominating our feeds and attention… effortlessly sexy and confident… never freaking out about a relationship status because she was too busy watching men groveling for her, proudly claiming they’d “risk it all” just for a taste of her bathwater.
She seemed so powerful and in control… and like so many other women, I wanted that power for myself.
But the reality of being the Cool Girl wasn’t glamorous… it was dehumanizing.
We were pressured to prove we could be her effortlessly by essentially becoming a doormat with a pulse.
We had to be sexy and available, but never needy.
Confident and assertive, but never self-advocating.
Adventurous and enthusiastic in bed, but careful not to have “too many” partners.
While men didn’t have to do much more than show interest and make themselves available for sex, we were working hard to impress them by being the woman who didn’t want anything.
But you can’t build respect on a foundation of self-erasure.
2. Our Feelings Were a “Vibe Kill”
After successfully molding us into “Cool Girls,” the next step was to ensure we stayed silent by hammering one specific phrase into our heads: “No one owes you anything.”
Repeating this over and over became the default dating advice of an entire generation.
It was the easiest way to completely invalidate women’s emotions while men were allowed to get away with almost anything.
Not responding to texts for days? Sleeping with multiple other women? Using us for sex while offering zero conversation or respect?
It was all considered fair game because, technically, he didn’t owe us a thing.
Under this logic, if we felt hurt, we were being dramatic.
If we wanted clarity, we were being needy.
And if we cried, got jealous, or asked for reassurance? We “couldn’t handle the game.”
We were never allowed to confront men about any of it because as long as we were “unofficial,” they didn’t owe us respect, consistency, effort, or honesty.
To even bring it up was a death sentence for the “vibe” and instantly labeled us as “crazy” or a “nag.”
Hookup culture built us into women who could be used and discarded without ever making it “weird.”
3. We Put In Effort To Keep Him Comfortable
There was a time when sex required at least a shred of courtship, but hookup culture rebranded intimacy into a low-effort delivery service.
For men, “effort” had been reduced to a lazy, midnight “You up?” text… and if we said yes, that was the end of it.
There was no date, no investment, and no pursuit.
In fact, the culture created this unspoken expectation that we should feel flattered… or even grateful… that we were the ones “chosen” to come over, as if the invitation itself was a prize.
But for women, the work started the moment we agreed.
We would spend hours showering, shaving, doing hair and makeup, and picking out the perfect outfit… only to travel across town late at night to deliver ourselves to his door.
Meanwhile, he’d be settled into his couch, warm and comfortable in his own home, barely bothered to do more than maybe shower while he waited for his delivery to arrive.
Once we were there, the labor continued.
We were expected to put on a porn-like performance, faking a smile and acting like we were having the time of our lives even when the sex was awkward, rushed, or just plain bad.
We were conditioned to believe that as long as it was good enough for him, it was supposed to be good enough for us.
And when the performance was over?
He got to fall asleep in his own bed while we were left to find our way home at 3 a.m.… discarded because “he had a thing in the morning” or “he just slept better alone.”
4. His Pleasure Was More Important Than Our Safety
Since the goal was always to make everything easy for men, sex in hookup culture was rarely about mutual enjoyment… it was entirely about his.
We were conditioned to cater to his pleasure while sacrificing our own, and a lot of times… our safety too.
We would meet up with guys we barely knew, heading to their places late at night and walking into unfamiliar spaces with nothing more to go on than a handful of flirty texts and a first name.
If there was ever a little voice in the back of our heads telling us, “This might not be the safest idea,” most of us ignored it.
If he was cute enough or seemed cool enough, being in his bed felt more important than being safe.
The pressure to disregard our safety and be doormats for men naturally escalated in the bedroom.
It was expected that we would put on a porn-star performance for guys who were essentially strangers, making them feel like the best lovers they’d ever had.
Even if the sex was awkward, rushed, or just plain bad, we were ingrained to smile and fake it.
In an era that prioritized men’s convenience and silenced our romantic needs, we were often desperate enough to take whatever crumbs of affection we could get.
We convinced ourselves that if he liked the sex, it was almost as good as him actually liking us.
But that pressure to be endlessly accommodating put us in situations where consent became blurry and our boundaries were ignored.
Some guys would push for rough or degrading acts without asking, testing our limits because they knew “Cool Girls” weren’t supposed to have any.
We became a practice ground for fantasies they’d seen in hardcore porn.
And forget about bringing up protection, STI history, or pregnancy prevention… that was considered a total “vibe kill.”
But when something went wrong… whether it was a health crisis or a pregnancy scare… the weight of those consequences fell entirely on us.
We were the ones labeled irresponsible. We were the ones who “should have known better.” We were left to clean up the mess alone.
It’s insane to think how casual hookup culture felt until something serious happened.
Women have been raped… and even killed… by men they just met for “casual fun.”
But most of the time, we just crossed our fingers and hoped that wouldn’t happen to us.
5. He Got a Clean Slate, We Faced a Life Sentence
I find it sinister that hookup culture didn’t just normalize us being doormats… it encouraged us to document it.
For years, mainstream society pushed the idea that feminism was synonymous with “sex positivity,” and we were told the best way to broadcast that we were modern, empowered women was to show as much skin as possible.
It became so normalized that it felt like the only way to get attention and adoration.
From pop stars and influencers to sometimes even our own friends and family… everyone was posting thirst traps, creating OnlyFans content, or bragging about their body counts online.
Women were told this was empowering… and because everyone was doing it, it felt safe, like no one was allowed to judge us anymore.
In that “strength in numbers,” many of us didn’t think twice about replicating that behavior in private with the guys we were hooking up with.
We desperately wanted that validation we’d been starved of, so we saw no harm in sexting, or giving into his requests for “special” photos where we bared it all, or allowing him to record us in the act.
A lot of us gave these men our trust, assuming that if he was sharing himself with us, our secrets were safe with him.
But once the heat of the moment faded and those images were in his hands, the reality smacked us in the face, leaving us to live with the forever fear of what could happen.
We’ve all heard stories about how those “private” photos end up in group chats, on revenge porn sites, AI-manipulated, or circulated in online rings.
If a man is feeling petty or vengeful, it’s not unheard of for those images to be sent to our employers, our families, or our future partners.
The cruel reality is that as much as hookup culture promises we can have sex like men and be equals… we can’t.
Unlike a man’s reputation, a woman’s past follows her forever.
Whether it’s a leaked photo, a secret recording, or the rumors from one wild night… it’s enough to make a woman a cautionary tale in the eyes of society.
Because being labeled a “hoe” or “easy” isn’t just an insult… it’s a judgment on who we are as people.
To be labeled that way isn’t to be seen as sexually free… it’s to be seen as less than.
It’s being viewed as dirty, used up, and unworthy of respect.
It’s being seen as someone no respectable man would ever date, let alone marry.
And it doesn’t matter how much we grow, how much we change, or what we go on to accomplish in life… once the cat is out of the bag, those clouds of judgment cling to us forever.
Men don’t have to worry about this, though.
A guy can send d*ck pics and brag about his conquests all over social media with zero consequences.
At worst, he’s labeled a “f*ckboy” or maybe someone with a sex addiction.
For some, he might even be seen as a “Chad”… like it’s something to be admired.
No matter how bad his reputation gets, he can always clean up his image, settle down, find a wife, and have a family.
His past won’t follow him forever.
In fact, many times men are given immediate social respect just for “growing up.”
But, the same culture that told us to be bold and sexually free is the exact same one that will punish us for having the proof that we ever were.
In Closing
Hookup culture was sold as a huge benefit to women: fun, freedom, empowerment… the ability to finally have sex on our own terms without judgment.
But now, so many of us look back and see that all along, hookup culture was nothing more than a scam.
We were conned into faking the “Cool Girl” trope, performing every trait we thought men wanted just to stay relevant.
We traded our safety, our sanity, and our self-respect for crumbs of attention and the desperate hope that maybe this time, he’d see a human being instead of just a temporary convenience.
Now, the negative effects of hookup culture on women have come to light and the truth is unavoidable.
This wasn’t a revolution… it was a redesign of our own exploitation.
Instead of feminist liberation, it just made us easier for men to use and discard as they see fit, while effectively silencing us from ever complaining about it.
All along, while we were being encouraged to participate in hookup culture to “take back our power,” we were actually handing men the power, the control, and every bit of ourselves… all while apologizing for the inconvenience.
The game was rigged from the start… and I’m so glad that, thankfully, women are done pretending that losing was a form of victory.
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