How to Go No Contact with Your Elderly Narcissistic Mother
Going no contact with your elderly narcissistic mother is one of the toughest choices you might ever make, but it can also be one of the most necessary.
Society often portrays mothers as loving, supportive figures who sacrifice everything for their children.
As they age, we’re told to honor, respect, and care for them no matter what—after all, they gave us life.
But what if your mother was your first bully?
What if, instead of caring for you, she spent years subjecting you to emotional abuse, manipulation, and guilt trips?
If you have an elderly narcissistic mother, you might not feel that loving loyalty society expects.
You probably hoped that as she got older, she’d mellow out and your relationship would improve.
Instead, like many narcissistic moms, she became an elderly version of her difficult self, continuing or even escalating her hurtful behavior.
As the daughter of an elderly narcissistic mother, I understand how you must feel.
My mother’s emotional abuse started when I was young and continued well into my adulthood.
She was highly critical, dismissive, and mean, always complaining and showing contempt for me, yet she often labeled me as difficult and ungrateful.
As she aged, the final straw came when she told me she planned to withhold my inheritance, hoping it would leave me struggling financially, which she felt I deserved for being a “worthless brat.”
It was then that it became clear to me that my mom would never change.
She never truly loved me or wanted to see me succeed.
I realized I was just a puppet for her to abuse and control.
I hated it and decided I didn’t want to give her that power or satisfaction any longer.
Now, you might find yourself at a similar crossroads, feeling beaten down and realizing your elderly narcissistic mother will never change.
You’re considering going no contact to reclaim your peace, but it’s scary.
You worry about societal judgment, family drama, and the guilt of abandoning an aging parent.
You might even worry about money if she’s using your inheritance to control you.
In this article, we’ll discuss what it’s like to have an elderly narcissistic mother, how to know when it’s time to go no contact, steps to take, and what to expect afterward.
Let’s jump right in.
Understanding Narcissism
An elderly narcissistic mother is essentially a mom who, even in her later years, still behaves as if everything revolves around her.
She may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which means she’s extremely self-centered and lacks empathy for others, even her own children.
Often, these mothers struggle with their adult children’s growing independence, feeling threatened by it..
This results in a pattern of narcissistic attachment, where the mother believes her children exist solely to meet her emotional, financial, or physical needs.
To keep control, she may use guilt trips, emotional manipulation, or even threats.
Many adult children end up constantly trying to gain her approval, only to feel stuck in a never-ending cycle of disappointment and frustration.
Here’s what you might notice about her:
She Craves Attention and Drama
Elderly narcissistic moms crave attention and drama.
They’re experts at turning everyday situations into full-blown crises.
Your mom might constantly have “medical emergencies” that demand everyone’s immediate attention.
She might frantically call you at 3 AM because she “heard a strange noise” or insist you drop everything to help her with an “urgent” task, like rearranging her kitchen cabinets.
It’s as if there’s always something going on with her and she wants you available 24/7, ready to drop everything and give her attention.
She expects you to take care of her issues, no matter how small, and always put her needs first.
She’s a Master Manipulator
Elderly narcissistic mothers are experts at using guilt to get their way.
Phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you!” are common for her to say, as if providing basic necessities and occasional nice things means she went above and beyond, and you owe her for life.
If you don’t do what she wants, she’ll call you ungrateful and might threaten never to help you again.
She might remind you how old and lonely she is to make you feel guilty, saying things like, “I’ll be dead soon, and you don’t even care.”
These mothers aren’t above using emotional blackmail.
Being older, she might frequently talk about her will and inheritance, threatening to cut you out if you upset her or don’t follow her rules.
She Thinks She’s Untouchable
Elderly narcissistic moms often act like they’re the center of the universe, convinced they’re smarter, better, and more capable than everyone else.
In her mind, she can’t do any wrong.
She thrives on feeling important and needed, constantly seeking praise and comparing herself to others—always coming out on top in her own stories.
This inflated self-view makes her think she can say or do anything, often at your expense.
She’ll use anything—her age, her role as a parent, even health issues—to justify her behavior.
It’s not unusual for her to step on your toes, feeling entitled to your personal space.
She might show up at your house without warning or ignore your parenting decisions, like sneaking your kids candy when you’ve said no.
And if you try to set boundaries, she’ll probably act hurt or offended, as if you’re the bad guy for not letting her have her way.
She’s Overly Controlling
Your elderly narcissistic mom might think she’s still calling the shots in your life.
She’ll try to boss you around about big decisions, like what job you should take or where you should live.
It’s like she thinks you’re still a child who can’t make decisions without her input.
Got kids? She’ll have plenty to say about how you’re raising them, whether you ask or not.
She might butt into your relationships or career, offering “advice” you never asked for.
And if you dedicated time and attention to your job or partner – she’ll be quick to remind you that she should always come first.
This constant need for control can leave you feeling suffocated and doubting your own judgment.
She Lacks Empathy
When it comes to understanding your feelings, elderly narcissistic moms often fall short.
They have a knack for dismissing or downplaying your experiences.
If you’re going through a tough time, your mom might say it’s not important or that it’s your own fault for getting into the situation.
You might even hear a smug “I told you so” or “I knew it would happen” from her.
Need a shoulder to cry on? Don’t count on your narcissistic mom.
She can barely be bothered when you need emotional support.
But flip the script, and suddenly she expects you to drop everything when she needs help.
It’s a one-way street of emotional support, and you’re always the one giving.
These moms struggle to recognize or respect others’ emotional needs.
Your feelings often take a backseat to their wants and needs.
She Can’t Handle Criticism
Your mom probably criticizes everything you do, right?
But try giving her even a tiny bit of feedback, and watch out!
She might get defensive or even aggressive, acting like you’ve launched a personal attack.
And if you bring up any mistakes she’s made or ways she’s hurt you, don’t expect a sincere apology.
She’ll dodge and weave to avoid taking responsibility.
In her mind, she’s perfect and never at fault.
It’s frustrating, isn’t it?
This inability to handle criticism often comes from deep insecurity, but it can make honest communication really tough.
She Uses You for Her Gain
With your elderly narcissistic mom, you might sometimes feel more like a resource than a person.
She might rely on you for money, care, or attention to support her lifestyle.
“I’m old and I’m your mother, I need your help,” she’ll say.
She might even volunteer you for things without asking, as long as it benefits her or makes her look good—like helping a family member move or covering the bill for an expensive family dinner.
And when you achieve something great, don’t be surprised if she finds a way to share the credit.
“Isn’t my daughter great? She got that from me!” she’ll boast to anyone who’ll listen.
It’s as if she sees your successes as her own, not acknowledging your hard work and individuality.
She’s Threatened by Your Success
Oddly enough, there are times when your mom might feel threatened by your successes.
You’d think she’d be thrilled about your new job or getting approved for a new home, right? Nope.
Instead, she might act unimpressed or even annoyed.
When you’re excited about a new opportunity, she might try to rain on your parade.
“Oh, but that job will take up so much of your time and make you stressed out and unhappy,” she might say, trying to make you second-guess yourself.
Or maybe she encourages you to find a nice partner when you’re single, but the moment you’re in a happy relationship, she becomes upset.
She might nitpick your partner or suggest you could do better.
Or she might claim you’re not in a great position for a new relationship and try to convince you to break up.
It’s her way of trying to keep you from becoming independent or straying too far from her control.
She Distorts Reality
Ever feel like your mom’s accusing you of things she actually does herself?
That’s projection, and narcissistic moms are experts at it.
If she’s always calling you selfish, chances are she’s the one with selfish tendencies.
Elderly narcissistic moms often project their own bad behavior onto their kids because it allows them to avoid facing their own flaws.
By accusing you of what they themselves are guilty of, they deflect attention away from their own shortcomings.
What can be really maddening is when she starts denying reality.
You might bring up something hurtful she did in the past, only to hear, “I would never do something like that, that was you!” or “That didn’t happen, you’re making things up!”
This is a tactic known as gaslighting, aimed at making you feel crazy and unable to trust your own memories, all without her having to admit any wrongdoing.
This combination of projection and gaslighting can be incredibly confusing and frustrating, leaving you questioning your own memories and experiences.
Should You Go No Contact with Your Elderly Narcissistic Mom? Here’s How to Know
Deciding to cut communication with your elderly mom is a big step.
But if she’s narcissistic and keeps hurting you, trying to keep you caught in her web of control, it might be necessary.
Let’s look at some signs that it might be time to step back, and what to consider when making this big decision.
She’s Still Hurting You
Even though you’re an adult, does your mom still hurt your feelings by putting you down or criticizing you all the time?
If you’ve been hoping she’d change but she hasn’t, it might be time to protect yourself.
She Ignores Your Boundaries
Have you tried setting boundaries with your mom, but she just bulldozes right over them?
Maybe she ignores your parenting rules or snoops in your business.
This shows she doesn’t respect you, and it can feel really frustrating.
She’s Always Playing Mind Games
Is your mom always trying to make you feel guilty or scared to get what she wants?
Maybe she often exaggerates being sick, dangles money in front of you, or threatens to harm you financially.
This manipulative abuse can really mess with your head.
Being Around Her Drains You
Do you feel stressed, anxious, or depressed after talking to your mom?
Have you noticed mental health struggles or hangups as a result of how she’s always treated you?
That’s a big red flag.
Being around toxic people can seriously hurt your mental and physical health, even if it’s your mother.
She Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings
When you’re going through tough times, does she blame you for your problems and make you feel like a burden, yet expect all your attention and empathy during her crises?
A healthy relationship should be reciprocal, offering support and understanding on both sides.
She Won’t Change, No Matter What You Say
Have you tried talking to your mom about her narcissistic abuse, but she just brushes you off or gets angry?
If she’s not willing to listen or change, there’s not much you can do to force a change.
You might be looking at going no contact as your only option.
She’s Messing Up Your Other Relationships
Does your mom act like she should be the most important person in your life?
If her behavior is causing problems with your partner, kids, or friends, it’s time to think about what’s best for you and your loved ones.
You Feel Stuck
Do you recognize how toxic your mother has been, but feel like you have to keep talking to her just because she’s your mom, or she’s old and needs care?
Or are you worried about what others will think?
Remember, your mental health matters too.
Making the Decision
Deciding to cut ties with your elderly narcissistic mom is a life-changing choice.
While most of us want a good relationship with our moms, sometimes it’s just not possible.
Going no contact isn’t about what you want – it’s about what you need to stay healthy and sane.
If you’ve tried everything and nothing’s changed, it might be your last resort.
It’s okay to have mixed feelings.
You might worry about your mom’s health or how she’ll manage without you.
You might fear others will see you as a bad child.
These concerns are all valid.
Remember, though, your mental health matters too.
Constant stress from a toxic relationship can lead to anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems.
Cutting contact can bring less stress and drama, a chance to heal, and room to build healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Only you can decide what’s right.
If being around your mom causes more harm than good, it might be time to step back.
This could mean setting firmer boundaries or stopping contact entirely.
Steps to Going No Contact with Your Elderly Narcissistic Mother
If you realize that dealing with your elderly narcissistic mother is harming you and you’re ready to go no contact, here are some steps to guide you through the process.
1. Get Your Support System in Place
Going no contact with your mom can be emotionally draining, so it helps to have people who’ve got your back.
Talk to trusted friends, a partner, or a family member, and let them know what you’re going through.
They might not have all the answers, but just having someone who listens and understands can make a huge difference when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Tell them why you’re making this choice and ask for their support as you go through this.
You don’t have to handle everything alone—it’s okay to lean on others.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Before going no contact, decide exactly what it means for you.
Will you cut off all communication or allow some limited contact?
Think about what you can handle—whether that means no calls or visits, or even blocking her on social media and phone if you need that distance for your own peace.
Whatever you choose, be specific about what’s best for your mental health and wellbeing, and make sure it’s a plan you feel confident you can stick to.
Consider allowing small exceptions if they feel manageable.
For example, you might choose to receive minimal updates on serious health issues through a trusted family member, or allow contact only for urgent legal matters.
These controlled exceptions can help you maintain boundaries while addressing practical concerns, giving you a sense of control over the process.
3. Plan How You’ll Tell Her
You don’t have to explain every detail about why you’re going no contact if you don’t want to, but if you feel the need to say something, there are different ways to do it.
You could send a letter or text, make a phone call, or sit down with her face-to-face.
Some people might choose not to tell their mother at all if they believe doing so would trigger more harm than good.
This is a valid option if you think it’s safer or healthier for you.
If you do decide to communicate your decision, it doesn’t need to be a long, drawn-out conversation.
Something simple like, “I need space for myself right now, please respect that,” can get the point across.
If you want to get everything off your chest when you tell her, that’s okay too—just be aware that whatever approach you choose, she might not react well.
It’s important to be mentally prepared for her response, but remember that you’re doing this for your own wellbeing.
4. Have an Emergency Plan
Dealing with emergencies is one of the toughest parts of cutting ties with your mom.
It’s important to make a plan that doesn’t rely on her or anyone who might take her side.
Think about what you’ll do if you face a health problem, family crisis, or money trouble.
Having a plan helps you stay calm when something unexpected happens.
If you’ve counted on your mom for money help or thought you’d get an inheritance, it’s smart to look at other options for your financial future.
Many older narcissistic parents try to use money as a last-ditch effort to control you, even cutting you out of their will.
You might want to talk to a money expert or lawyer for more advice.
By making an emergency plan that doesn’t involve your mom, you’ll feel more sure about your choice and ready for whatever comes your way.
5. Consider Therapy
Talking to a therapist can be really helpful when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent.
A good therapist, especially one who specializes in narcissistic abuse or toxic family dynamics, understands how emotional abuse affects you and can help you heal from that trauma.
They’ll show you how your past has shaped who you are and help you spot and change any unhealthy habits you might have picked up along the way.
When you stop talking to your parent, you might feel guilty or worried – that’s normal.
Therapy gives you a safe place to talk about these feelings without anyone making you feel bad.
Your therapist can teach you ways to deal with stress, set healthy limits with people, and stick to your decision about cutting contact.
Just remember, going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re broken or need fixing.
It’s more about learning new ways to take care of yourself and feel better.
Think of it as adding tools to your emotional toolbox to help you grow and move forward.
Life After No Contact
Going no contact with your elderly narcissistic mother is never easy, and you’ll probably face some challenges after making this decision.
Here’s what you can expect:
Your Mom Might Act Out
Your mom isn’t likely to take this decision lightly.
She might react with anger, confusion, or by playing the victim, trying to guilt you into keeping contact.
Some moms will even bad-mouth you to family or friends, hoping it’ll pressure you to come back.
It’s also possible she’ll act like she doesn’t care at all, hoping you’ll be the one to give in and apologize.
Remember, these reactions are more about her than you.
Stay firm in your decision and remind yourself why you made this choice.
Family Might Get Messy
Family gatherings can get awkward when you’re no contact.
If you know she’ll be at events, plan ahead.
You could choose to skip the gathering or limit your time there.
Arriving late, leaving early, or bringing someone you trust for support can help ease the stress.
Having an exit strategy—like a friend calling with an “emergency”—can give you an easy way out if things get uncomfortable.
You might face tension with other family members who don’t understand or take your mom’s side.
She may twist the situation, spread lies, or exaggerate her struggles to gain sympathy.
It can be hurtful, but try to remain strong.
You don’t have to explain your side to everyone, but if you feel comfortable, it’s okay to share your reasons with those you trust.
When it comes to explaining your decision to other family members, keep it simple and neutral.
You might say something like, “Mom and I are taking some time apart to work on our relationship.”
If pressed, you can add, “I’d rather not discuss the details, but I appreciate your understanding.”
This approach acknowledges the situation without inviting unnecessary drama or taking sides.
Remember, you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation, and it’s okay to set boundaries around this topic with other family members too.
Watch Out for Flying Monkeys
“Flying monkeys” are people your mom might send to speak on her behalf or pressure you into making up with her.
These could be family members, friends, neighbors, or even a pastor if she’s religious.
They might pass along messages from your mom or suggest you’re overreacting, hoping to guilt you into reaching out.
When faced with these situations, it’s important to stay calm and stick to your boundaries.
You can politely but firmly explain that this is a personal matter between you and your mother, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
If they persist, don’t be afraid to set limits on those conversations or even end them.
Taking Care of You Comes First
After cutting contact, taking good care of yourself is super important.
Start simple: eat healthy food, drink plenty of water, and get moving with some exercise.
Don’t forget about the things you enjoy – make time for your favorite hobbies.
They’re great for helping you relax and feel better.
Hang out with friends and try to make new close relationships to create your own version of a family.
Your mental health matters a lot right now.
Remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself the love and care your mom didn’t.
It might feel weird at first, but it’s important.
Taking care of yourself like this helps you heal and build a life that feels good to you.
Healing Takes Time
Healing after going no contact is a process that takes time.
It’s not just about cutting ties; it’s about rebuilding your life and finding peace.
You’ll have good days when you feel great about moving forward, and bad days when you feel hurt or angry about what your mom did.
Sometimes, you might even question your decision, especially during holidays or family events.
It’s normal to have moments where you miss your mom’s presence in your life.
These feelings are all part of healing.
When doubts creep in, remember why you made this choice.
Keep a list of reasons why you went no contact and look at it when you’re feeling unsure.
Be patient with yourself and celebrate small steps toward feeling better.
Progress may be slow, but every bit counts.
It’s Not a Forever Decision
Keep in mind that going no contact doesn’t have to be permanent.
You can think about it again later if things change a lot.
Maybe your mom gets therapy, says sorry, and really wants to make things better.
Or maybe after some time passes, you feel strong enough to handle limited contact, or you want to reconnect if her health deteriorates and it may be looking like the end for her.
The most important thing is how you feel and what’s good for your mental health.
If you ever decide to change things in the future, it should be when you’re ready and on your terms.
There’s no rush, and no right or wrong way to do this.
It’s all about what works best for you and helps you feel okay.
In Closing
Cutting off contact with your mom is tough, especially when she’s older.
She’s your mom, after all.
But if she’s hurt you so much that you feel you need to do this, it makes sense.
Good for you for putting yourself first.
I hope you’ve got people to back you up.
When I went no contact with my mom, it was a huge decision.
It hurt and it wasn’t easy, but it also felt freeing.
I took back control and started focusing on my own life.
I wanted to be a healthier me, not just someone for her to take her feelings out on.
My other family members didn’t get it and weren’t much help, but I was so thankful for my friends and my son who stuck by me.
Their support, plus seeing a therapist, helped me start to heal from all the abuse.
My mom’s dead now, but I never felt bad about my choice to cut contact.
I sleep well at night, and I hope others dealing with elderly narcissistic moms can find the same kind of peace and freedom.
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