“Sex Positivity” Taught Me Why Women Choose to Be Celibate
What “Sex Positivity” Taught Me About Why Women Choose to Be Celibate
If you told my younger self I’d eventually be explaining why women choose to be celibate from firsthand experience, I wouldn’t have believed you.
Sex-Positivity Brainwashed Me
I grew up during the era of sex-positivity… a time when young women were basically brainwashed to believe that feminist liberation meant having sex like a man.
No strings, no feelings, no limits… just being hypersexual and “down for anything.”
Back then, women who chose to be celibate were painted as super-religious, prudish, judgmental laughing stocks.
I definitely didn’t want to be seen as that. So, I bought in.
I spent my young adult years championing hookup culture and sex-positivity… but the constant letdowns eventually gave me every reason why I needed to be celibate.
Not the Fun and Empowerment They Promised
While the men were having the mind-blowing orgasms I kept hearing about, I wasn’t having any.
Guys who sweetly purred, “I think I’m falling for you” on early dates would go stone-cold the second sex happened… pivoting from taking me out to “let’s Netflix and chill.”
I ended up in a revolving door of unwanted situationships or ghosted completely… a vast difference from the powerful women on my screen who supposedly had men completely hooked.
To men, I was just a human sex dispenser.
They’d insert a couple of “nice guy coins”… and expect my legs to open so they could take what was inside and walk away.
I tried to believe the validation of being wanted for a night was good enough.
But inside, I felt hollow, used, and ashamed.
It was worse because society constantly told women like me it was our fault.
If we weren’t having fun with casual sex, we needed to “pick better,” “try harder,” or “lower our standards.”
Which was total bullshit because I tried every type of man… rich, broke, every race and background, on the apps and off.
It didn’t matter. The results were always the same.
“Down for Anything” Became Dangerous
And gradually, disappointment became dangerous.
While my generation of women was raised on sex positivity and being a Cool Girl, the men we were sleeping with were raised on violent porn and Red Pill rhetoric.
It taught them that women owed them sex and that our needs or discomfort didn’t really matter.
As a result, the men I dated started feeling increasingly comfortable pushing past my boundaries.
I faced harassment, assault, pregnancy, and STI scares that left me traumatized.
I realized I was giving my body away and gambling with my life in exchange for fake validation from men who didn’t give a damn about me.
I didn’t want to be “sex-positive” anymore. I didn’t want to be a “liberated feminist” by their definition. I couldn’t do it to myself anymore… so I chose to stop having sex.
Benefits of Voluntarily Choosing Not To Have Sex
And really, the benefits of being voluntarily celibate are so life-changing that abstaining has been surprisingly easy.
Initially, I’d sometimes feel those old urges and miss the physical intimacy… but I didn’t miss the negative feelings that had become the majority of the experience.
With the current state of dating being a literal dumpster fire, there isn’t exactly a flood of worthy men making celibacy feel like a sacrifice.
After a few months, the desire to have a man in my space or in my body just… evaporated.
Now, I have been voluntarily celibate for years, and I rarely even think about sex or intimacy anymore… and honestly, I’ve never felt healthier or happier.
I realized that despite all the importance society puts on it, at the end of the day, sex is sex.
It’s not air, water, food, or money. It’s not mandatory.
If I really need a release, I can handle it myself… at least I climax every time.
Plus, there’s no risk of STDs, no pregnancy scares, and no wondering if he’ll still respect me in the morning.
Spiritually, I have so much more clarity.
My self-esteem is higher, and I’m actually falling in love with myself.
I finally have the time and energy to better my own life and find true happiness… because I’m no longer worried about how to attract or keep a man.
I traded the constant stress of performing to be likable, mothering grown men, and disappointment for a life that is finally quiet.
The Only Real Downside of Being Celibate
And really, the biggest downside of celibacy is the stigma.
As celibacy becomes more common… even with celebrities like Mya and Cheryl Burke opening up about it… the response is often filled with weirdly personal vitriol.
When women say they want to stop having sex, some people get angry.
They want to paint you as sad, lonely, or “wasting your life”… as if a woman’s life is only worth living if she is regularly being pounced on.
Honestly, I personally don’t give a damn.
Caring too much about what society has to say about women’s sexuality is exactly what got many other women and me into this predicament in the first place.
We were told that “sex positivity” was about having sex as much as possible, with whoever we wanted… but instead of painting it as prudish, the real sexual liberation should’ve included the right to say no.
It turns out that despite the campaigns to make emotions and commitment the “boring” version of sex… sharing it with someone who values your heart as much as your body is the only version worth having.
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